A man with an incredibly small penis takes his new girlfriend to bed for the first time, and because he's not proud of his incredibly small penis, he insists that they turn off the lights. Once it's dark, he makes his move and puts his erection in her hand, and she says, "No thanks, I don't smoke."

Cinderella was getting all fixed up for the ball, when her bitch step-sisters came in and messed everything up and split.
Cindy was throwing herself a pity-party, when all of a sudden her Fairy Godmother showed up, "Damn Cindy, you're a mess!"
"Yeah, thanks Fairy Godmother. Those whores ruined my night!" Cindy replied.
"Oh the night's not over yet..." said her Godmother as she pulled out her wand. "See that watermelon?" Bippity-boppity-scadoosh, and it turned into a tricked out Bently.
"Sweet!"
"And see that fat-ass rat?" Ba-boom! "Got yourself a driver. Now, and little flick of this and that and we got you lookin fine." And Cindy had a very nice dress.
"Now one last thing... I know what these Balls are like, and those princes... " Another flick of the wand. "I've just inserted a magic diaphragm. But be warned, at midnight it will turn into a pumpkin, so you have to be home before then so I can remove it."
"Midnight!" exclaimed Cindy. "But the party will only be getting started!"
"All right dear," conceded her Godmother, "make it 3 AM."
And off Cindy zoom in her new ride. Her Fairy Godmother waited up for her. 2:30 came, no Cindy. 3 o'clock, nothing. 4, 5...
Then around 6 o'clock Cindy came strolling up the walk with a surprisingly flat midsection, and a very satisfied look on her face.
"Where have you been, and what happened to the diaphragm?!"
"Oh, I had a wonderful time! I met a boy and we spent all night together."
"Who was this boy?" asked the Godmother.
"His name was Peter Peter something or other..."

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying in three adjoining cabins at a decrepit old motel.
First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire on the bathroom vanity. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs it, throws it out the window, and goes back to sleep.
Later that night the physicist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.
The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He immediately sees that the problem reduces to one that has already been solved and goes back to sleep.

I don't get it.

The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why,the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!!!" Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and wavedand smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the lord.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

10785 words just to make incredibly lame pun :) nice. Respect for whoever wrote that.
great story. really enjoyed the premise.

Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater.

yeah. i didn't get that either. i guess you gotta be native speaker to get that joke.

Q: What do you call a black girl with braces?
A: A Black and Decker pecker wrecker.
Guitarist: I once broke a g-string fingering a minor.
Q: How can you tell if a blond woman has a blond boyfriend?
A: Her belly button is bruised.

"Give me that calculator! Friends don't let friends derive drunk!"
(Sorry, I felt this thread needed a revival.)

I don't know how old this is, but maybe it's new to at least some of you, so...
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners.
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit! and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate's disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12.. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.! ): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole

What do you call a man with a potato down his trousers?:
A dictator
Also, just heard this on Reno 911: Did you hear the one about the Chinese man who asked his wife for a 69?

This was in the Foreword of an economics text I used in college, and as a major in that subject I always was amused by it:
A physicist, a chemist, and an economist are stranded on a desert island. One day, after a particularly bad storm, the trio finds a large shipping container beached on one side of the island. They spend the better part of a day digging it out and prying open the barnacle encrusted doors, and they find that it is filled with canned goods. They are ecstatic.
The physicist exclaims, "I am SO sick of coconuts every freaking day! I can't wait to get these cans open. I think I know how to, as well. First we lay some rocks and stones out together on the ground, then we throw one of the cans up in the air. If we get the height of the throw right, it should land on the rocks and break open."
The chemist shakes his head, "Listen, I am as sick of coconuts as you guys are, but that plan is wrought with imprecision. There is no way we can find exactly the right height, and even if we did once, by pure luck, I don't think we can throw well enough to repeat the feat. I suggest that we create a fire. We then can hold the cans over the fire until the pressure of the heated contents builds enough to pop the can open. This way we can be sure to always exert enough force, without overdoing it."
The physicist and the chemist both look the to economist, to see which side he will fall on in the argument. However, they then notice that while they were discussing the matter, the economist has already opened and a can and started eating the contents. The two exclaim in unison, "How did you do that?"
The economist replies nonchalantly, "Simple, I assumed a can opener."

A Saudi Prince goes to Germany to study.
A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying,"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying, "Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too”!

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."