What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?


Porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

I just ordered an egg and chicken from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

An egg and a chicken are laying in bed together.

The chicken is smoking a cigarette, a goofy smile on it's face.

The egg, with a disgruntled look, glances over and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

At least if a dog rubs its nose on a Porsche it doesn't get a face full of pain.

So, this is how I learned to mind my own business:

I was walking past the local mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were, rather enthralled, shouting "13... 13... 13... 13..."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what the hell was going on here.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a damn stick...

And immediately they all started shouting "14... 14... 14... 14..."

When is a door, a jar?


When it’s opened.

When is a door not a door?


When it's a jar :-D

;)

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What do you call a magic owl?


Hoodini!

Who leads the accountants into battle?

General Ledger

How many people does it take to defend France?

I don't know; nobody has ever tried.

What do you tell maize after it graduates from high school?
Corngratulations.

I'll see myself out.

What did one flag say to the other?


Nothing, it just waved.

If a cobbler were to have a son, what would the son's name be?

Schumacher

Why do Christmas trees like the past so much?
Because the present’s beneath them.


What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an iPad?
A pineapple!


What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

A guy wanted to go to the drugstore to buy condoms. His wife asked, "Can you also get me some Pepto for my stomach?" They guy said, "Sure" and went out. When he got to the drugstore he found what he needed and went to the register. The cashier asked, "Dude, if it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"