A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.

He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.

Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Kate,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love

Ron.

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

While reading "Pokemon Adventures", I have made an rather unfortunate discovery about the nature of the bird pokemon, Fearcrow. Whilst being carried away by the bird in question, Ricky, who has been merged with an Rattata was divulging advice on how to put a stop to the Fearcrow: "If'n you wanna stop flyin' pokemon, the first thang y'do is paralyze its wangs!"

Freudian slip of the tongue or actual fact about this Pokemon, you decide. As for me, I can't help but wince at the Fearcrow's fate, considering that it was electrocuted - presumably to induce paralysis upon the anatomy in question.

Time to put the "Corny" back in this thread. These are from my youth pastor:

Q: What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum?
A: A chew chew train!

Q: What does a clock do when it's hungry?
A: It goes back four seconds!

I got an idea for what you can do with you dead batteries: give them away free of charge.

A jewish kid walks up to his dad and says "Dad can I borrow 50 dollars?" and his dad says "40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for"?

Q: Why is there a gate around cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in.

Good to see that!
Here's one more corny contribution.

"Apparently a teacher has been arrested in the UK in possession of compasses, protractor, and straight edge. It is claimed he is a member of the Al Gebra movement bearing weapons of math instruction."

And one from Dilbert.

If women who chase young men are called Cougars, are older men who chase after young men called Sandusckies?

You all are going to hate me for this:

how do you make a five year old cry twice? Wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear.

I'm sorry, please forgive me.

Since the pre-Christmas season will soon start...

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

-While time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana!
(Sorry about this... here's something to "make up for it". Hope no one gets any permanent brain damage...)

-The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

My Grandma told me that men today were much more charming when she was young.

I told Grandma that was because they aren't trying to fu*k her anymore.

Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

I wish I was small enough to fit inside a kettle.

I'd be in my element.




Last week I got maced by Nigella Lawson.

I still smell like nutmeg.



Whoever put "Too Cool to Do Drugs" on a pencil is a spastic.

Every time you sharpen it, it changes to "Cool to Do Drugs" "Do Drugs" and "Drugs".

I've just read this, and it's so punny I felt I needed to share it...

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."