What's the favorite instrument of a dentist?
A tuba toothpaste!

What does the cow say to her calf in the evening?
Go to bed, it pasture bedtime!

-Why can't you compare Macintosh computers and Dutch royalty?
-Because that would be comparing Apples and (van) Oranjes!

The little bird story -

There was once a little bird who decided not to fly South for the winter. People put out lots of food and it just wasn't THAT cold. All that effort . . . only to return in the Spring . . . seemed to be a waste of time from his point of view.

One cold day, the other birds left, flying South as they always had. He was lonely but life was good, lots of food, plenty of room . . . this was going to be great. He would laugh at his friends when they returned in the Spring.

Soon the snows came, it got bitterly cold. Finding food became very difficult. A few weeks passed and the little bird realized he had made a mistake by staying. Cold and hungry he decided to fly South and rejoin his friends in the warmer climate.

As he started his trip, gaining some altitude, he became incredibly cold. After many miles, flying as fast as he could, his wings became numb from the frigid air. He soon found himself falling out of the sky while thinking how dumb he had been to stay in the North.

As he struggled to land he could barely move falling over when his tiny legs touched the ground. What a terrible way to end up, alone, freezing, lying in a pasture unable to move. Surely his situation could get no worse. He friends would never know what became of him.

Suddenly he saw an old cow walking towards him. The thought of being crushed by the cows hoofs was devastating. Whoa is me, the little bird thought, what a terrible fate I am going to suffer for my stupid decision not to fly South. As the cow passed over the frozen bird it's huge hoofs missed the little bird but . . . at the last moment . . . it crapped right on the little bird covering him completely.

The little bird moaned in despair . . . what a terrible, humiliating end. But . . . the warmth of the cow poop began to thaw the little bird out. He moved around and made a little space for himself. Soon he was nearly thawed and thinking he would now be able to fly South after all. The thought of rejoining his friends was so uplifting that he began to sing.

An old farm cat was walking through the pasture, heard the singing, dug down into the cow poop, grabbed the little bird and . . . ate him.

The Moral of the story:

Everybody that gets you into crap is not your enemy.
Everybody that gets you out of crap is not your friend.
If you're in a pile of crap and you're happy . . . keep your mouth shut.

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

-poke 'er face.

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder and he’s so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free.”

The second man said, “My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’’s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs.”

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, “My son is a stock broker and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.”

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, “We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?” The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is gay. I’m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio.”

Personally, I don't have anything against the team in the joke, but it's too funny to not put it here :-).

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

I just have to post this Dilbert strip; it actually made me say "Ouch!" aloud.

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

And there sat our Rosie all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him!”

Is this thing still alive? Anyway, here are two more jokes.

Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?"
After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"

Q: What did one math book say to the other?
A: Man, I sure got a lot of problems!

a few funny Farside comics.

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting on a patio people watching. They see two people enter a house nearby. Some time passes, and three people leave the house.

The physicist says, "It was obviously a flawed measurement."

The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."

The mathematician says, "If one more person enters, that house will be empty."

lol nice

Things not say say when meeting her parents for the first time #23: "You look just like your dad, you've got his boobs."