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General discussionCorny Jokes Put 'em Here(815 posts)(815 posts)
(815 posts)
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This is my favourite topic
Posted February 08, 2011
I think today's Dilbert strip qualifies, at least because of the pun.
Posted February 08, 2011
This is best done quite fast - then shouting the last bit. Maybe not in public though.

***********************************

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping along her merry way through the forest when she just so happens by the Big Bad Wolf.

"My, my, Big Bad Wolf, what big bulgy eyes you have!"

"FUCK OFF I'M DOING A SHIT!"
Posted February 08, 2011
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deathknight1728: A white guy, mexican, and black guy all run into a genie next to a small fence.

The genie says you get 1 wish and when you jump over the fence you say it and land on it

White guy jumps and says- 1 million dollars......he lands on 1 million dollars.

Black jumps and says 1 million dollars, just like the white guy, he lands on 1 million dollars.

Mexican guy jumps and trips on the fence and says- oh shit...he lands on shit.
It should end, "...he lands on bedding."

--

Our dog got really sick last month and took a turn for the worse very quickly. We rushed him to the vet to see if anything could be done though we feared it was too late. The vet took his vitals and said "It doesn't look good. However, I want to try one last test." He took a cat and waved it in front of our dog's nose a few times, but the old boy didn't budge. The vet then gave us the sad news that our dog had passed. A week later we got the bill from the vet. We were a bit shocked to see a bill for $958! Mom called the vet to find out why there was a line item for $800. "Oh that? The $800 charge is for the CAT scan."
Posted February 20, 2011
A fater's lament.
"The other day, I looked into my son's browsing habits. I saw his browser's history was full of porn links. I had a long talk with the little guy, told him what's right and what's wrong.
He seemed to get my point, so you can imagine my disappointment when I turned his computer on today! Despite all my efforts to tell him how dangerous it is, that good-for-nothing, ungrateful brat is still using Internet Explorer!"
Posted March 01, 2011
Here are two one-liners and a Q&A to bump the thread.

-Confusius says,"Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."

-If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

-Q. Why can’t a moron dial 911?
A. They can't find the eleven!
Posted March 01, 2011
I don't know if this joke will translate well into text because it's punchline relies on voice but what the hell, I'll write it down since it's a personal favorite:


Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?


(Say this next part outloud and see if you giggle)

A: Fsh



Most people I say the joke to take a few seconds to get it, but when they do there is much laughter and "Oh my god, so corny". I like it :P
Posted March 01, 2011
Do you know how to get a cat to sound like a dog?
Make sure it's wet with gasoline, then light it. It'll make a sound surprisingly like "woof!"

So how do you get a dog to sound like a cat?
Make sure it's deep-frozen, then run it through a bandsaw. It'll go "meeeow".
Posted March 01, 2011
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AndrewC: Pierre the Famous French Pilot was entertaining his lady love one evening, they were enjoying a leisurely dinner together.

"Kiss me Pierre" she purred.

Pierre dipped his fingers in red wine, touched them to her lips, and then kissed her passionately.

"Oh Pierre!"

"I am Pierre ze Famous French Pilot, and when I have ze red meat, I have ze red wine."

A little while and less clothing later, the lady shows Pierre her impressive expanse of decolletage.

"Kiss me Pierre"

Pierre takes bottle of white wine and dribbles on her, and then kisses her exposed cleavage.

"Ohhhh Pierre!"

"I am Pierre ze Famous French Pilot, and when I have ze white meat, I have ze white wine."

A little while and lot less clothing later, the lady lifts her last undergarment.

"Kiss me now Pierre."

Pierre grabs a bottle of congac and empties in her lap. Then he lights a matches and tosses it in, igniting the alcohol.

"PIERRE WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!"

"I am Pierre ze famous French Pilot and when I go down I go down in flames."
Thats bloody brilliant.


not really a joke but funny as hell Im not ginger but in from Scotland the land of the ginger so im allowed to find it funny
Posted March 01, 2011
A Polish guy goes to the police and says "I think my wife is trying to kill me!"
The cop asks "Why do you think that?"
So the man responds "Look what I found in her purse!" and shows him a bottle of polish remover.


Did you hear about the new hamburger at McDonalds that they are naming after Michael Jackson? It's a 50-year-old piece of meat between two 8-year-old buns.
Posted March 01, 2011
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FFL2and3rocks: A Polish guy goes to the police and says "I think my wife is trying to kill me!"
The cop asks "Why do you think that?"
So the man responds "Look what I found in her purse!" and shows him a bottle of polish remover.


Did you hear about the new hamburger at McDonalds that they are naming after Michael Jackson? It's a 50-year-old piece of meat between two 8-year-old buns.
Wasnt 8 a bit old for him
Posted March 02, 2011
A blonde opens a box of Cheerios. She exclaims "Oh my! Doughnut seeds!"

Why did the blondes jump off a building? Their pads had wings...
Posted March 02, 2011
How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but for some reason many heterosexual males imagine two doing it.
Posted March 05, 2011
Two lovers lie on the bed when the phone rings. The woman answers it.
"Yeah? Well, that's OK, bye!"
"Who was that?" asks the guy.
"It was my husband to tell me he isn't coming home yet because he's gone bowling with you."

(And another light bulb joke...)
How many teen girls does it take to change a light bulb?
111. One changes it, 10 upload it to Facebbok and 100 "like" it.
Posted March 05, 2011
How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?

Give them a piece of paper with please turn over on both sides.
Posted March 05, 2011
You may only get this one if you know how some Americans say "idea," and it sounds better if you say it, but I still think it's funny.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: I have no idear.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: I still have no idear.
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This is my favourite topic
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General discussionCorny Jokes Put 'em Here(815 posts)(815 posts)
(815 posts)