What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
He wipes his ass.
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This guy walks into a post office around Valentine's day and sees a middle-aged man with about 100 pink envelopes covered with heart stickers. The guy watches as the man takes a bottle of perfume out of his backpack and sprays the envelopes with it. Curious, the guy asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 100 Valentine's cards signed 'Guess Who?' to random people from the phone book," is the reply.
"But why? the guy asks. The other man looks at him and raises his eyebrows.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," he explained.
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A boy kills a bee. His father says, "Son, you've just killed a honeybee, a helpful and wonderful creature. As punishment, you won't get to have any honey this week."
Later, the boy kills a butterfly. His father says, "Son, you've just killed a butterfly--a beautiful and harmless creature. As punishment, you won't get to have any butter this week."
Later, the boy's mother steps on a cockroach. The child says, "Daddy, will you tell her, or should I?"
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One hot afternoon Jesus was walking through the desert when god's voice boomed from above.
"Jesus. You have been a true and faithful son. For this I will grant you one wish."
Without hesitating Jesus holds his hands apart as though a fisherman describing a huge fish, "Dad! I want to be hung like this!"
And, in the fullness of time, he was
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I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
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A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."
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How do you starve a Mexican?
You hide the food stamps under the soap.
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The other week Chelsea Clinton got married. Her father, Bill, paid $1.2 million for the wedding dress, he didn't mind as it wasn't the first time he'd splashed out on a dress.
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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A Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.
"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."
He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "AH built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."
"But ye fuck ONE sheep...."
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A commander for the French Foreign Legion joins his new post located far out in the desert. During his first inspection, he notices a camel hitched up behind the barracks. He asks a nearby soldier what the camel is for. "Well, sir," the soldier replies, "there are 250 men here and no women, and sometimes we have... urges. That's why we have the camel." The commander thinks about it for a moment. "I can't condone that," he says. "But I understand that men have urges, so the camel can stay."
A month later, the commander starts having urges of his own, so he asks the officer to bring the camel to his tent. Then he drops his pants and gives the animal a fierce rogering. "Is that how the men do it?" he asks the soldier as he pulls up his pants. "No, sir," the soldier replies. "We usually just ride the camel into town and find some women."
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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight...you pig !" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table with a red face.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations." To which he responds, screaming at the top of his lungs, ......"What do you mean $200 for a blow job?"
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Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder and he’s so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free.”
The second man said, “My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’’s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs.”
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, “My son is a stock broker and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.”
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, “We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?” The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is gay. I’m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio.”
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Guy has very painful hemorrhoids. Goes to the doctor.
The doctor examines him and says, "Oh, my, yes, that's one of the worst cases I've seen. I'm going to give you a prescription for a very powerful suppository. Use them all and come back and see me in a week."
The guy returns in a week.
"How are the hemorrhoids?" the doctor inquires.
"Worse than ever," the man grumbles.
"I don't understand," the doctor says. This is the most effective suppository available."
"That may be, doc, but for all the good they did me I might just as well have stuck them up my ass."
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Why do black people have patches of white skin on the palms of their hands and soles of their feet?
Because there's a little bit of good in everybody.
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The three best swordsmen in the world are demonstrating their skill. The third-best swordsman in the world takes a swing and actually cuts a fly in half!
The second-best swordsman in the world takes a swing and cuts a fly in quarters!
The best swordsman in the world takes a swing...and his fly buzzes on its way.
"How could you miss him?" the others ask. "You're supposed to be the best swordsman in the world!"
"You were not watching me closely," said the best swordsman in the world. "Yes, the fly lives--but he will never be a father."
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There are these three nuns, and it's a really hot day. Since no one usually came by their church on Wednesday, they decided to simply remove their habits. They're lounging around in the pews, just hanging out, when there's a knock on the door. One of the nuns yells, "Who is it?"
"The blind man," the visitor replies. Since the man is blind, they decide to let him in. The man shows up and ogles the nuns.
"Nice tits," he says. "Now where did you want me to install the blinds?"
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In a concentration camp during WW2 the commanding officer ordered the inmates out in the yard one morning and told them:
"Tomorow is my birthday and i want to do something nice. I have orders to gas all of you but I will let you live if one of you can ask me a question I can only answer with I don't know".
The entire night the inmates rack their brains to find a question, but this proves really hard as they know the commander is a very educated man, and the wrong question could result in their deaths. Finally one small man advances and states he will ask the question, and in desperation they let him.
Out in the court yard the next morning the man steps up and says:
"Herr Commandant, what does "je ne sais pa" mean?" and they are spared the gas chamber.
Once back in the barracks everybody asks him how he came up with such a brilliant idea.
"Well I was a carriage driver in Bucharest" he tells them. "And one day I had to rabbis traveling in my carriage, and one turned to the other and asked: Rabbi what does je ne sais pa mean? And the other answered : I don't know."
"Well if two learned rabbis did not know, how could a stinking german?"
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How much does Holly cost?
Six million.
