German soldiers on the western front, late 1916:
G1: Oh well, you win some, you lose Somme.
G2: *stabs him with a bayonet*

Here is one of my favorites :-)
The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.
After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply
Dear Madam I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.
I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember, this is a friendly community.
Sincerely,
Campground Owner

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a butt-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes... The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote... Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw the car had an Obama sticker... We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired... It's important at our age.

Bravo! That was quite witty of you and your wife.

It was a joke - I am old but not old enough to be retired - but Thanks

A mother had two sons, one absolutely optimistic, one utterly pessimistic. One year, as Christmas was drawing near, she was helpless about what to give her sons so that they'll both be happy. So, she asked her best friend for advice.
"Buy the pessimistic son some cool things he'll love, that'll ensure even he'll be content. As for your other son, well, give him anything, he'll be happy about it anyway."
The lady decided to heed the advice, and got some expensive toys for his pessimistic son. However, she had no money left for her optimistic son, so she just packaged some horsecrap for him.
On Christmas morning, after unpacking their gifts, the brothers discussed their gifts.
"What did you get?" asked the optimistic son.
"Well, I got some toys," said the other, "but I'm not happy about them. Take this electric toy train, for example. Eventually, it may get a short circuit, then it will be broken. Or these 'fine' wooden blocks? What if one of them has a splinter, and I get injured? But anyway, what did YOU get?"
"I think it's a pony," said the optimistic boy, "but I have yet to find it."

What's the difference between vaginal sex and anal sex?
Vaginal sex will make your day, but anal will make your hole weak...

A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."

"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"

The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."

"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

GOG is closing down.

:P

-How do you make holy water?
-You boil the hell out of it!

wait.

if she says okay then you have to make a baby cause she won't allow a protection.

unless you plan to do a falcon punch 2 weeks later.

That reply was funnier than the joke! Hahahahaa

Reminds me of this picture I found online years ago and have always kept on my computer... Best Falcon Punch ever.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps in to?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong. What do you call the murder of six million jews?
A hollow cause.

What do you call the murder of six million muslims?
The war on terror.

What do you call the murder of six million christians?
The war on drugs.

What do you call the murder of six million scientologists?
Who cares?

What do you call the murder of six million creationsists?
Rapture!

What do you call the murder of six million unborn foetuses?
Crowd control.

What do you call the murder of six million gays?
I dunno but I expect a straight answer.

What do you call the murder of six million blacks?
Frontline news.

What do you call the murder of six million baby seals?
Fur enough.

What do you call the murder of a gay black jewish creationist with a baby seal in her arms?
Hilarious!

Bumpy road!

-----

The teacher asks a student:
- Can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have
brought happiness and peace into people's lives?

Student says:
- Drin-King, Smo-King and.....Fuc-King!

Guy told me this one during a drive once and it just cracked me up even though it's sick.

What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies?
You can't unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork.