You're on a roll tonight.

Are you implying my skills are buttery-smooth?

More like chuncky peanut butter, real nutty. :P

I've heard a rumor about that sort of peanut butter, but I don't want to spread it...

I can't link a YouTube video from my phone, but there's a guy from Australia doing some good ones. Search the words "Hey Andrew puns."

Like: Hey Andrew, I got a new job crushing cans. It's soda pressing.

This kid is really going somewhere... XD

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Have you heard the cold one about the Norwegian, Russian and Finnish...?

Me neither, one shouldn't mix cold vodka and ice.

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I have a relatively OK relation to my wife's mother even though she only lives a stone's throw away.

Yesterday, just pure luck, I almost hit her ...

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A man and a woman lived happily and in peace for thirty years.

Then something terrible happened ...

One day they met.

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- Dad, is it true that Aunt is singing for the inmates in the prison?
- Yes, my son, and do not ever forget it, in case you might be tempted to commit a folly.

How many gears do French tanks have?

One forward gear and six reverse.

Why the forward gear??? In case the enemy attacks from behind.

Bill Gates wants to have a hard drive, but all he has is a floppy dick.

Yes, but it's a 5.25" one.

Which is inadequate.

A surgeon at a conference goes to the bar and asks for a walnut daiquiri. The barman is out of walnuts and uses hickory nuts. The surgeon takes a drink and spits it out...
Surgeon: What's this?
Barman: It's a hickory daiquiri doc.

My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.

Adios Omegas.

Hence the name: micro-soft

Miss Tumor decided to pay a visit to Mr Brain.

"Knock knock

-Who's there ? Said Mr Brain

-Tumor ! Responded Miss Tumor

-Tumor ?

-Tumorecognise me ?"

(It works better in French)

A marketing director for a prominent computer manufacturer was devising a new advertising campaign for his company. While researching consumer response to his product, he asked "Naval ships are commonly referred to as 'she' or 'her'. What gender would you assign to your computer? Give four reasons to support your answer..."

A large group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.